I see RED, and I can’t see at all

Patterns of thought;

I feel loved and unaccepted

tolerated and rejected.

I see red, and can’t see at all.

My verse is short

My fuse is fragile

I see red, and can’t see at all.

Patterns………

where they lead me.

Solutions of Insanity

Pathways to Serenity

I see red, and can’t see at all.

Spying escape from myself

I tear away my mask.

I see red, and I can’t see at all.

My Fans shred away my inhibition.

I walk in submission

Head Held High

eyes turned down

TAKING OFF MY CROWN

Photo-0322

The torture of silence brews in fear of not being acknowledged.

Oad to the world

I AM ALREADY DEAD!

Oad to the world

my time spent plundering

a treasure never mine……

Oad to you.

It is getting quite cold in here

death is

cold……dark, the darkest kind of cold; rooted to

DESIRE…..’desire for life’

sex

friendships

IMMORTALITY 

LOVE

Dreams of a (PIL) Perfect Imagined Live

gains courage

…….TO DESTROY

I am on this journey knowing one thing only….(that I don’t know MUCH)

That I get stuck

I get  mugged

I desire blood.

ONE THING CERTAIN…..

…..

Much time spent

playing ignorant!

My uncontrollable plight

I beg for the night

I wake with horrid fright

I tremble at the sight of my moment to moment strife

Guided by a force unknown

I look to the tools the Universe has shown

My past and future are my present

Like a Christmas in November……

except it is October.

My red turns to bright pinks and purples

I have NO PEARL

I am but MAN

Seeking to understand……

HOw to let go .And let God

Amen

Anyone whom admits defeat is a friend of mine. I am powerless over people, places and things today!

Cheers!

Happy Friday as well!!!

Spinning Out

SHOUT

SHOUT

SHOUT ALL OUT!!!!  this time (present life), in space

I co-create

Hesitate

fear my fate

validate

radiate

progressively relate.

A special shout out to all you birds out there.  Watch out for the crazy cats!!

Meow………..

Looking for my people and am rediscovering a ‘treasure chest’ as my dear friend  http://dianereedwiter.wordpress.com/shares, “I feel as if I found a treasure chest finding you again”

May we continue to discover and re-discover!!

Working it out

Guitar numbness

Awesomeness

Saturday ‘Squezze Me’

Looking for activities which connect me with my true nature.

Health and Happiness result from being in harmony with our own nature, and doing the work for which we are individually suited.

Dr. Bach’s Philosophy

Scleranthus is an insecurity flower,

communicating to me

Hopefully I see….BUT if not

the compensation flower use, is key.

To Me,

this place would be

reliable;

in calming my mind.

Soothing my anxiety.

Fulfilled?……

Satisfied?…..

with what the moment IS ‘presently’

War wages down, all round.

Consciencely, looking to keep my relationships sound.

“Wishing us a prosperous day”

Many times I will say, “May you be prosperous in your day…..”

Keep on doing it…..

lets BE

doers’

‘shakers’

(pause)…………

……………………..

……….AND MOVERS

My three page free verse is half full.

Sending myself to school.

Rebecca once shared, “Write your way to happiness.”

Embrace despair,

grow out my hair!?

Another encouraging voice,

a whispering choice.

(speaks possibility), “Everything imagined is Your perfect imagined reality”

“Everything written plants a seed of prosperity”

I will chant my way to prosperity.

I open my mind to possibility.

Hold on to Joy

Be OK with Me

Turn away from tragedy,

BE FREE

BE FREE ; Creatively;

healthy sexuality;

abandon negativity; Do Not Toy with Me !

I am nearly there

Rushing through my anxiety;

using

‘lemon balm tea’,

apple cider vinegar ‘tottie’

with a bit of ‘honey’

PeAcE

 

Tidal Wave ‘Rave’

When I meditate with Loving Kindness, I am Loving Kindness!

Consistency has a specific meaning, for me.  I am consistent in needing emotionally charged experiences.  I am consistently plunging into social situations, hoping to find some lost piece of myself.

MOST consistent is the other woman.  As for that other woman, we r well acquainted.  She consistently nags and dictates.  The tyrant doesn’t allow anyone any peace.  Sensitive triggers surface, where past becomes present. I am looking for a place for her to stay. Perhaps an institution. ha ha THAT’s IT…….I will send her away-away for good 🙂 a place she can not hurt me any more.

Poem dedicated to “The other woman”

There is something I need to say.

But First, let us pray

A long way you have traveled, worn out is your saddle.

Injustice you have suffered, tampered with and tortured.

Give them hell OR set them free

But as for me and what I seek……

Lets play a game and then see.

As for me, I like biscuits and tea.

Your bag is empty

Show me some sign of empathy

PLEASE, do it for Me

YOur bag is empty

Your heart COLD

Carriage under my stead,

Gods be good

I come in earnest

My ‘One Life’, I seek Liberty

Let her stand fast in her tracks

STAT

No looking back

 

Someone to give Me away

This question backed by much emotion, brings me to my current state.

A short story

My talents never valued.  My dreams only mine.  I seek to find.

At 15, golf was second to swimming/life guarding.  The boys (dad, brother, grandpa) played golf every afternoon, into the wee hours of the morning at the practice green.  Teased by the boys.  I didn’t put in enough practice, to my dads minds eye.  I was undeserving of such rewards freely given by others-others who saw my talents and beauty.

Eight grade my interest in golf flourished.  Rewarded with time off from school and afternoons at practice, meant less time at the Body Shop slaving for Scott (Dad).  The Girls Golf Team thought a joke, by the boys.  I would take home the Silver, Bronze and sometimes Gold Medal.  The standards for girls high school golf was hardly comparable to the boys low scoring qualifiers.

Now for that story

The summer I saved my life (abstract, I actually saved a woman from drowning), I became a lifeguard.  That summer was the best summer of my youth.  I was healthy and vulnerable susceptible to men’s opinions of me, and sexually objectified by many (still a virgin).

Now Molded by my environment I see.I was developing, coming into myself (physically, mentally, spiritually).

Throughout my golf career I had sponsors.  Hosting a Women’s National Tournament was the local golf course in my town.  I had no means of covering the entry fees.  Scott was not offering, either.  Looking back, I think Scott knew if he had it his way, I was better off locked up in a dungeon than embarrass him by being the best I could be….which was better than He!! 

Since the Gods convinced him of his envy and resentment, I was honored to participate in a world opened up for a young woman to discover herself.  I met woman with renown grace.  These woman are Me and I them.  We come from generations of women who find liberation through and out of suffering.

Humble/Hospitable beauty radiates from woman all around me.  I am blessed to be sober and able to contribute my verse.  I too have a place, as a Woman, Student, Creator, Destroyer, Healer….and much more!

BACK TO THE STORY ……………After three days of building friendships AND KICKING SOME ASS,   I found myself consciously aware of my emotional state, being that what it was-was nothing less than graceful and honorable.  I represented like a CHAMPION. The Gods are proud.  I am proud.

Dad?

Well, Scott was unable to support his daughter in her beautiful glory.  During the ceremony Scott pulled me out side, but not before he proceeded to publicly destroy my confidence.

If you can imagine or Know, there is a tone which will make someone lose control of ones ability to hold urine or even feces.  Scott was a total let down.

The title ?  Someone to give Me away

The past few days of rigorous honesty with myself, as best I am capable, bring me to the Truth

ANOTHER STORY which is directly related I spent the last 5 years of ‘using’ with a Vietnam Vet.  Six years since our last phone conversation, not much more than me sending my best wishes to the family home stead.

I always hoped that one day I would hear that Pog had passed on (died).  When informed of his present condition, I spiraled into guilt. As if I owe him anything more than what he got from me, youth-youth is what I give to ALL.  Around me, one could experience overall improved health. I wish You Well as I wish myself Well While looking for a father in Pog, I also found a ‘lover’.

Ooops, turns out a woman, ME, hardly understands the implications of trying to enjoy a Newly Realized Platonic relationship. Chad has been with me all the way.  I am grateful for that.  My silenced past thoughts of Pog are coming out once and for all.  I will find out what is really holding me in the past.

Perhaps my relationship with my father has something to do with the relationships with all who might fill that fatherly role for me!!

My Next Step

Writing out my resentments.  Looking at my part, my motives and intentions are worthy of investigation. And as for my wedding day, today is a good day to allow Gods love to fill that hole. Amen

PIMP me through the portal…..I will bring U bread and water

We did this together.  My sweet heart of past,

there is pain and darkness, there is work that can be done which gets me out of evil.  It is the writing.  Here I am!! Raw Sleep deprived, nutritionally deprived, Feeling better than before. Making a path through the darkness.  Finding out secrets I already knew.  New because they are mine.  these secrets are mine

Starting a fresh

Open flood gates

Leaving the weak hearted weeping for the unknown to transform

(to know)

How this started is more than what I currently understand.  Or, how this ordeal wins , as I write, changing me, (transforming/awakening) .  Make no mistake, the Universe has provided me with, yet another season of sprouts, marigolds and much more,,,,and it’s not even summer.  Technicolor !!!

A flood of healing which amounts to a revelation already known character treats. 

PIMP : A pimp can never be trusted.  iN this case, ONLY IF YOU ARE A MAN

I see once again, I do not owe him anything.  He informed me of that when I called in tears, just know, expressing my gratitude for his enduring me during my years of ‘using’.  Nearly six years have passed with no attempt to contact. For obvious reason.  One being, Pog is 25 years on me.  If I had of stayed longer than I did, (We played house for 5 years) I would not be enjoying my life with justice for ALL!!  ANYWAY

Mostly, if Pog hears from ME….there is something wrong.  And to my understanding there IS.  

My bro is likely in prisoned for life.  My father and I are…..well, we are ???? Peacefull….yes peacefull.  The emptiness I feel with my bro and father have been brewing since the begging.

I don,t know…..ask, Carl Young.

Pog is a man.  A man with many talents.  Our talk lasted 20-25 minutes.  All the while Chad, was with me .  With me all the way.  From the moment I got the message from mutual friend that Pog suffered multiple strokes, total rehabilitation of speech, holding bowls.  This guy is Pog, my sweetheart before Chad.

I am who I am because of my choices/ and I am proud to be living a sober life today.  Thank you GOD

With his tone he slithered his tail up my skirt.  No luck that I was wearing hosiery.  He found his way between my legs with heat of a diamond back basking on a hot summer day.  I natural looking to Chad, for he has been with me (No secrets), he felt the energy turn from Fatherly Role to: PIMP!!

Pod asked me if I was FAT!!

Wouldn’t he like to know…..HA.  The type of girl I am, I would like to tell him all about it.  This character, whom I call ‘Roxy’, is saved by her Knight in Glorified Union w/ my Newly Realized Blessed Life . AMEN

THE PUZZLE

The ordeal to overcome has a unique key which yields to an open heart, till then, floods rush

emotions expelled like unwanted water in a drown victim

Look in the depth, where the hiden eyes revealing itself in the abstract clues of the universe

 

 

 

 

 

Sending Myself to School

I am in a position to not need to take such extreme stresses upon myself; such as Wife, Mother…..and student?  At least not while my son is a toddler.  I mean really…..I don,t need a school to show me where my ambitions and interests intersect with the needs of society.

Allow me to explain a spell longer:  If not school than a family, OR…..????? well…..there are worst activities one could find themselves engaged in.  For instance, surrounded by a library filled up with material a naturalist, like my evolving SOBER self; absorbing the healing knowledge of the body, mind, and spirit…..life doesn,t happen until you make something count.  Decide that it matters.  Have guts to try something newly unrealized, potential ‘Life Altering Experience’

sending a blessed prayer out to all those suffering emotionally, physically, spiritually.  May you be happy, as i wish myself happy. May you be at peace, as i wish self peace.  May we be free

i FORGIVE MYSELF, THE WORK HERE IS TO NOT ASK FOR but share.  Each bowl of rice. it is not the rice alone, but the many bowl which add up to a Healthy way of Living.  

I understood my addiction to destructive behavior needed addressing.  I knew deep inside: my spiritual experience would not come kindly , I mean, wow……My pouch of ferries dust had long been empty and never, seemingly filled with god love…..who knows how young we are, whittled, hollowed out and burnt as an offering

NOTE: For all roles created through You/ME.  The student is a valid and respectable, even ????  I do not wish to down play ANY ROLE, for this role is particularly critical to You and your experience.  This is ONLY ; ME…..sharing my devotion to discovering a newly realized self (WITH PROGRESS IN MIND, I wish to enclose my mania.  Thank You and come again!!

Misunderstand me not!  The universe provides GREATNESS, for those who perceive, acting out our characters (role) is ultimate creative expression.  Who else could?…..could i be ME….??POSSIBLY NOT-not-not-not now

<KayDee spinning out

the rest is in the works/////Summary of 2012////(the way it was)/////2013, thus far/////(what happened)(the way it is NOWs….our Newly Realized Perfect Imagined Life)/////// smashing to be here this fine random evening. hope to be including my WordPress into my newly realized life.  ben processing…

YIP

YIP

…..IN A HIGH PITCH FROM DEEP WITHIN….and OUT 

YIP

YIP

I do

YIP 

YIP….in extreme emotional circumstances where I am needing to be acknowledged (my presence that is).

For instance, while riding my bicycle in town, it is critical the motorist know I am coming up on his reality.

It works every time

YIP

YIP

……………..WAIT FOR THE EYES……………continue with caution.

this world is my world……this world is Your world……..so share the road dude….

peace out

Reviewing 2012

Transition emissions

Life is Transition! Moments of evolving, regressing, depressing, Reflecting/Easy Listening.

I have been preparing all my life for this moment.  2012 past year, transitions through and back to, my ever evolving LIFE around I go, to and fro. doe?…suck my toe

bop