left hook

He sees me in my dreams

Walking with courage tucked in his sleeve

Fast Speed

Destiny Tree

In Harmony

His face leaving no trace




This be a fine place

stop NOT

lead SHOT

Haywood left the house

Eagle courage caught the mouse

Snow cap didn’t go deep blue


I’m a keeper




Sending Myself to School

I am in a position to not need to take such extreme stresses upon myself; such as Wife, Mother…..and student?  At least not while my son is a toddler.  I mean really…..I don,t need a school to show me where my ambitions and interests intersect with the needs of society.

Allow me to explain a spell longer:  If not school than a family, OR…..????? well…..there are worst activities one could find themselves engaged in.  For instance, surrounded by a library filled up with material a naturalist, like my evolving SOBER self; absorbing the healing knowledge of the body, mind, and spirit…..life doesn,t happen until you make something count.  Decide that it matters.  Have guts to try something newly unrealized, potential ‘Life Altering Experience’

sending a blessed prayer out to all those suffering emotionally, physically, spiritually.  May you be happy, as i wish myself happy. May you be at peace, as i wish self peace.  May we be free

i FORGIVE MYSELF, THE WORK HERE IS TO NOT ASK FOR but share.  Each bowl of rice. it is not the rice alone, but the many bowl which add up to a Healthy way of Living.  

I understood my addiction to destructive behavior needed addressing.  I knew deep inside: my spiritual experience would not come kindly , I mean, wow……My pouch of ferries dust had long been empty and never, seemingly filled with god love…..who knows how young we are, whittled, hollowed out and burnt as an offering

NOTE: For all roles created through You/ME.  The student is a valid and respectable, even ????  I do not wish to down play ANY ROLE, for this role is particularly critical to You and your experience.  This is ONLY ; ME…..sharing my devotion to discovering a newly realized self (WITH PROGRESS IN MIND, I wish to enclose my mania.  Thank You and come again!!

Misunderstand me not!  The universe provides GREATNESS, for those who perceive, acting out our characters (role) is ultimate creative expression.  Who else could?…..could i be ME….??POSSIBLY NOT-not-not-not now

<KayDee spinning out

the rest is in the works/////Summary of 2012////(the way it was)/////2013, thus far/////(what happened)(the way it is NOWs….our Newly Realized Perfect Imagined Life)/////// smashing to be here this fine random evening. hope to be including my WordPress into my newly realized life.  ben processing…






I do


YIP….in extreme emotional circumstances where I am needing to be acknowledged (my presence that is).

For instance, while riding my bicycle in town, it is critical the motorist know I am coming up on his reality.

It works every time



……………..WAIT FOR THE EYES……………continue with caution.

this world is my world……this world is Your world……..so share the road dude….

peace out

Reviewing 2012

Transition emissions

Life is Transition! Moments of evolving, regressing, depressing, Reflecting/Easy Listening.

I have been preparing all my life for this moment.  2012 past year, transitions through and back to, my ever evolving LIFE around I go, to and fro. doe?…suck my toe


BoxMeUp 1…2….3…bing

Time with men

Time with women

Time with elders

Time with children

I do not fully understand why all of these make sense to me.  I did not read this anywhere.  No one said this to me.  I DISCOVERED IT THROUGH EXPERIENCing (perceived perception).  My box is a different box than your’s.  The geometric and color.  Some might embellish a sued or velvet lining.

Our boxes, ‘the box’ we all create for ourselves looks, smells, taste, sounds (the same BUT different.  In general we ALL put ourselves in a box of beliefs.  Specifically, our boxes will have the same objects in different places.  This box is ever evolving change.  Nothing in my house stays the same.  Well……the kitchen and the bathroom never move.  The rest of the house is fair game.  I love my little ‘adobe hut’

I need to ‘VENT  my BOX’

“ACKWARD” more like corny: ‘Vent my Box’ ……..OR……. Horny ??

How do spending time with people of all ages and ethnic culture help me be a better ME ?  I like this balance.  And hope to elaborate at a later date (that is if you  are interested?) my experience with giving time to each of these groups of people.  Enough time to see something (truth)/which sometimes doesn’t take very long, in retrospect !!

Clues are everywhere (inside us and ALL around us) OF US !!

I have found a way to be around ‘anyone’

I play reporter 🙂  Pen and paper allows me to communicate through AND TOO.  Too Who?  To the Universe baby 🙂









men and women.

AND THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT MY THOUGHTs?  (Helps me better understand how to align with my desires)  The emotions behind my thoughts reveal the deeper truth about ‘ME”


I have entertained/given energy to thoughts of working with ‘Veterans of War’.

Mental Health wants me real bad 🙂 Not only as a patient BUT….they have offered training for a ‘Peer Counselor’ (Basically, some one-off the streets who has found joy in a sober life).  That is MY short version

And on with the music & breath & let go

whats my Name ?!

Following a first, I came here to share it.

At this site, http://thewildwomanwithin.wordpress.com/2012/10/20/way-too-much-information-why-are-you-telling-me-this-im-happy-to-listen/comment-page-1/#comment-241 I just discovered

Emotional Mommie is how you know me

thus far,

KayDee spinning out xo

is how i shout

shout out to my peeps

shout out

shout out, so theres never a doubt

KayDee is how yOu’ll know me

from here, on out

working on costume creations

no time to pics

im busy picking up *sticks*


spinning out xo

Pucker up

This day continues to spray mists of light upon my soul.

I can hardly believe I was in a Full-On position against life.  I am a passionate expressive woman with an intellectual Gentle loving hubby.  Knowing him in his true nature, I get glimpses!  Some how I will look inside myself to find the answers.

I mean, Some how I nurture the boy his mother refused to slow down and get to know (what ever that means.  I noticed myself pause at the sewing machine to observe Mr. Lincoln playing with his mini Tanka’s. )

I am scared of missing out on life.  My gauges seem to be sticky, the past few months.  Lithium and Trazadone free since June?….July?  I would have to do some journal pinbacks.

On with the music

I want to share my dreams and ambition with my family.   Life altering experiences add character.   The whole world would have it that way….TRUST ME!!  A Happy Mother =’s a Life Worth Living (LWL).

We feel strongly about some things-ideas we continue to entertain.  Our beliefs are merely thoughts we continue to have.  Something like that  If we can understand our feelings about these thoughts, we may very well be able to tap The Chalice Well, yield the Sword, drink from the Grail, cherish the stone.

The way it is refered in DEEPAK CHOPRA; The Return of Merlin 

The Chalice Well, the Sword, the Grail, the Stone, these are the tools we must use for this transformation.  The Chalice Well is the well-spring of life with in us, where we must return again and again to wash off our toxic experiences.  The Sword is the power of love that can slay any dragon.  The Grail is the state of grace, and the Stone represents pure knowledge, which is its own fulfillment, and has the infinite organizing power of the universal mind, which is orchestrating the diversity of existence.

I still have not got to the core of this sharing my dreams with You OR have I ?

Currently, Chad hangs out with Mr. Lincoln (our toddler) four hours in the morning.  I get home from Mary’s (PIL).  Mr. Lincoln is napping or getting ready to nap.  Chad and I indulge in some chill time together.  By 2 or 3 in the afternoon Mr. Lincoln is needing his mommy time-time for just the TWO OF US!

My girlfriend phoned.  She asked how Chad was?  I retorted, “I got rid of him”.  Stay tuned to hear about why I would do a thing like that ?!?!  If I even know


How ever much time I spend out of the home, I would like hubby to have the same amount of time exploring and fulfilling his social responsibility to himself.  BUT YOU SEE?  This is where I am running up against walls.  I want to be undisturbed by gain or loss.  I seek to be kinder to my lovely mate, who Loves Me even when I can not Love Myself.

Cheers to Co-dependency

Deserves more attention……

Between you and Me…..No More Ink!

Leonardo Da Vinci

is my husband’s view in regards to my body.  He says he doesn’t see my past (the tattoo doesn’t define me), he doesn’t see the name (my deceased mother), not even the smudged roses or one characteristic that might cause distress.  He sees INK !! A blur that has never been the reason why he would rather have me on my back.  I am the persuader of such primal positions 🙂

Getting a tattoo on a whim is like going to church looking for God….you find religion.  Religion in my opinion?  An image of me when I am trying to hard at it.  Looking down from my sycamore tree, on all those sinners.  As Zacharias the short didn’t realize Jesus kept company with such villains like himself , I sometimes forget the Pure Great Effort within me is always dining with the elite.  I just felt myself getting holier than tho attitude.  Watch that ego!!

AND ON WITH THE MUSIC 🙂  Only if I can have some fucking humility in my life.

I don’t believe my tattoos have anything to do with….WAIT…..what if: Intimidated ,confused and terrified of the idea of submitting myself up to the beautiful experience of lovemaking.  That would mean that i would need to accept myself, in this moment of all my beauty (within the undefinable realms of creativity, expression is our progressive creative outlet), tattoos or no tattoos.

Anger is an expression of passion.  Anger has the ability to bring you to the depths of despair, preying for  a way out.  The world and people who have been creatively robbed by it, have much misdirected anger.  Worthy of investigation.

Through social involvement one can find himself in others.  And if we are willing to make the joke when we are feeling, other than good about ourselves, our social relationship with ourselves are attracted to us.  One of nurturing and respect gains great potential in becoming an appropriate creative expression.  What that means to me?>>>

Introduced to lighthearted 4 the heavy-heart by my hero, whom I will rename for the sake of giving him a perceived personality, which is deserving of a name.  I will call him, Odysseus 🙂  Odysseus asked me to participate in helping him poke fun of himself.  He shared an embarrassing moment and proceeded to exaggerate his laughter at himself.  That shit is funny!  Try it.  It had me rolling.  I could hardly wait until my turn.  YAH RIGHT!! My throat tightened and my groin heated up.  Bye and bye, this has been magical in relating to others, especially if you are Practically Perfect in Every Way, like Julie Andrews 🙂  And ME!!  Lots of love to you, Julie!!

Sue is my current employer.  Today, while in a vulnerable, sensitive exploration of proper expression (sharing your religion or beliefs of a spiritual nature), I tagged a negative thought about myself.  In so doing I alienated the girl who needed to feel like she was part of something.  In fact I was a part….taking action in my life….getting involved with actively discovering myself through others…..with others!!  This judgemental thought interfered with the good, feel good feelings 😦

When the ice freezes over, heat it up!

Somehow in my sharing, “Thanks for being with me in my moments of awkwardness…”, I was able to accept my current mental state.  I became activated with the grace, while being every bit of my human self.  My state of being, interrupted by gain and loss, was soon to evolve into acceptance and progression. I didn’t say it because I was sorry for who I am.  I was able to creatively express a humanistic experience.  I was involving myself  with another human being…..AND I LOST……of course, against my better judgement, my desire to be needed.  I realized I was a part of this, as much as the paintbrush in my hand.  Full of pure creative expression, waiting for another human to relate, like the brush waits for paint.  Creative expression is ALL everything else is waiting for ….FROM YOU!!

I have only just 🙂 come down this road of discovering my sexuality . Thus far I have discovered: I need more time to figure things out.  I want to LIVE FOREVER in this moment, inviting myself to explore the vast universe ????  As infants, our comfort and survival were dependent on mothers ability to accept and discover the woman she nourishes and respects 🙂  As the child in us fights for more independence from the truth, the truth is what actually sets you free, our fear of death (survival) and  alienation (comfort) cuts us off .  Therefore we are already dead and alienated.  Maybe just for a moment….:)

How can I save those around me?  The people around me will benefit best if I am my own best friend.  Not alone, of course, can I be humble in the process.

Perhaps, my belief that my husband should do the tattoos hardly came from the guilt or history of the current smugged reality (from my past or current mind frame).  If more INK is the answer than we shall discover that together.  As of this morning, Odysseus and I have discovered and rediscovered our truth. Once again accepting myself in all my beauty and expression, while deciding over and over, from moment to moment, I am worthy of Love and Nurturing.  I can give myself the best love I know of and nurture myself when tricked (by myself).

Sometimes, through the process of creatively expressing you will be destroying…..leaving space for your ever evolving self.  Redefining your reality from moment to moment you will discover appropriate boundaries.  You will see your social relationships grow and flower at the appropriate time.  Summer will always be yours 🙂 Most people are in our lives for a short while.  Creation of family will help define us and the boundaries that fit within our internal relationships (firstly) and spill over to our external relationships.  I feel safest expressing spiritual in nature with the people whom respect and nurture me, in spite of myself.  In all my expressiveness , I am accepted through the love of my family.

Thanks to my creative expressive family here at WordPress for allowing me to share.

When you know what you don’t want you can better know who you already are.  While weeping in the arms of discovery,  acceptance kisses your sorrows (guilt) away.  If you have some identity crisis let someone know!

When searching for the anser to appropriate expression of creativity, write about it first.  Look for God and not for religion.

Breaking Boundaries…..with the strength to LIVE!!

A trip to the city was in order.  A trip to celebrate the time lost and a new stretch of careless radical behavior.  The sun was setting on one beautiful summer day, when Paula made a choice to get in the car.  When the girls arrived at a family friends they where plotting already.  Gabby was the oldest of the sisters.  Lola had an incredible appetite for the boys drugs and Gabby was happily going to accommodate the girls.  A drive which brought them to Gabby’s boyfriend , was one step closer to a revelation in Paula’s perspective.  Gabby driving and the boyfriend riding shot-gun, with Lola and I in plain view of the piece (gun) he had pulled out of his pocket.  Paula all of a sudden shifted gears in her mind, from getting in that car with no purpose or understanding of the social relations, to being aware and conscious of her surroundings.  She was now understanding the potential danger was yet to come.  While he raged on about shooting someone Paula sat in the back looking for a way out. The car swerved and jerked around while he screamed and spit all over the girls.

Playing it smooth can hardly be Paula’s complete state of mind.  Entering the apartment with a  severely unstable masculine figure and two girls who looked and acted as if their purpose was understood, would prove to be one decision Paula wished she had of questioned.  Lola was received by someone in the back room directly upon entering.  Gabby and her boyfriend became scarce. While Paula was left with four complete strange men.

As Paula pushed the envelope, the boys became more aggressive toward her masculine stance.  The case of beer Paula had brought was seemed to be the only thing she could hold onto, claim as hers, for her body was already being devoured.  While the boys continued to disrespect Paula’s property, the situation claimed her, as if day would never come again and those girls would never be the same.  Stuck in that very dungeon with no time on the clocks.  It was only a matter of time before the beer was consumed and the stalling would be over.

Silence will never give one who is needing a way out the key to escape, all the while the door is in plain view.  Bucky, spoke out on behalf of his buddy whom had led Lola to a dark room, behind the curtain of disease.  I felt as though she was under some spell ,  even the look on her face was proud but yet desperate and SCARED!  Bucky began to reach for straws in which to intimidate and scare me.  His fear, I believe was when he began to brag about his buddy giving my friend that NASTY, DIRTY word I refuse to spell or repeat, but has 4 letters and starts with an A and ends badly for those who have contracted it.  Curse be to the darkness…..and may we curse darkness with LIGHT!  AMEN!!

When Paula felt the angels wrapping her with LIGHT, and not before she wet herself, she became a fierce, unleashed animal.   As he began to speak of the danger my friend, Lola was in, the ANGELS carried Paula in a time when Paula could no longer avoid the inevitable. Paula began to demand the return of her comrade.  Paula became an ANGEL herself, fearing nothing but the rath of God.  Those girls needed an out.  With the grace of God and ALL HIS GLORY the dice was rolled and so were those boys.  And with the power force working together with Paula’s desire to LIVE and a greater plan sent from above, Paula and Lola have a testimony of GOD GRACE and the power in which he works through us and in our lives daily 🙂

NOTE:  Methamphetamines have been known to cloud ones rationale.  The purpose is only to get the next fix.  When one stumbles into logical reasoning while chasing the dragon it is sometimes no enough to save them from the life or death situation manifesting before their very eyes.