Her Motives…

I have returned to a life once known by she
entering into another being
experiencing some other reality

a sort of romance

I admired her for all she achieved. She grew up nurtured by hostility and bitter disappointments, learning to appreciate the sublime beauty of chaos.To overcome such severe colors and build a life that defied all negative equations was a miracle I was fortunate to marvel over. Her experiences overshadowed the generous choral nature that life offers with a suspicious haze and a shade of guilt. Everyone had an ulterior motive.

When a former boss invited her spend the day with her family at the beach she fretted over why anyone would include her in their company. She wondered if she’d done something wrong or if the motives behind her invite spelled some nefarious outcome. She simply couldn’t resign to the concrete result of her embodiment in other’s lives…that the people she’d formed relationships with truly admired and adored her.

Then there was me. The essence of love I held for her became some abstracted orientation…

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I see RED, and I can’t see at all

Patterns of thought;

I feel loved and unaccepted

tolerated and rejected.

I see red, and can’t see at all.

My verse is short

My fuse is fragile

I see red, and can’t see at all.


where they lead me.

Solutions of Insanity

Pathways to Serenity

I see red, and can’t see at all.

Spying escape from myself

I tear away my mask.

I see red, and I can’t see at all.

My Fans shred away my inhibition.

I walk in submission

Head Held High

eyes turned down



The torture of silence brews in fear of not being acknowledged.

Oad to the world


Oad to the world

my time spent plundering

a treasure never mine……

Oad to you.

It is getting quite cold in here

death is

cold……dark, the darkest kind of cold; rooted to

DESIRE…..’desire for life’





Dreams of a (PIL) Perfect Imagined Live

gains courage


I am on this journey knowing one thing only….(that I don’t know MUCH)

That I get stuck

I get  mugged

I desire blood.



Much time spent

playing ignorant!

My uncontrollable plight

I beg for the night

I wake with horrid fright

I tremble at the sight of my moment to moment strife

Guided by a force unknown

I look to the tools the Universe has shown

My past and future are my present

Like a Christmas in November……

except it is October.

My red turns to bright pinks and purples


I am but MAN

Seeking to understand……

HOw to let go .And let God


Anyone whom admits defeat is a friend of mine. I am powerless over people, places and things today!


Happy Friday as well!!!

Tidal Wave ‘Rave’

When I meditate with Loving Kindness, I am Loving Kindness!

Consistency has a specific meaning, for me.  I am consistent in needing emotionally charged experiences.  I am consistently plunging into social situations, hoping to find some lost piece of myself.

MOST consistent is the other woman.  As for that other woman, we r well acquainted.  She consistently nags and dictates.  The tyrant doesn’t allow anyone any peace.  Sensitive triggers surface, where past becomes present. I am looking for a place for her to stay. Perhaps an institution. ha ha THAT’s IT…….I will send her away-away for good 🙂 a place she can not hurt me any more.

Poem dedicated to “The other woman”

There is something I need to say.

But First, let us pray

A long way you have traveled, worn out is your saddle.

Injustice you have suffered, tampered with and tortured.

Give them hell OR set them free

But as for me and what I seek……

Lets play a game and then see.

As for me, I like biscuits and tea.

Your bag is empty

Show me some sign of empathy

PLEASE, do it for Me

YOur bag is empty

Your heart COLD

Carriage under my stead,

Gods be good

I come in earnest

My ‘One Life’, I seek Liberty

Let her stand fast in her tracks


No looking back


Someone to give Me away

This question backed by much emotion, brings me to my current state.

A short story

My talents never valued.  My dreams only mine.  I seek to find.

At 15, golf was second to swimming/life guarding.  The boys (dad, brother, grandpa) played golf every afternoon, into the wee hours of the morning at the practice green.  Teased by the boys.  I didn’t put in enough practice, to my dads minds eye.  I was undeserving of such rewards freely given by others-others who saw my talents and beauty.

Eight grade my interest in golf flourished.  Rewarded with time off from school and afternoons at practice, meant less time at the Body Shop slaving for Scott (Dad).  The Girls Golf Team thought a joke, by the boys.  I would take home the Silver, Bronze and sometimes Gold Medal.  The standards for girls high school golf was hardly comparable to the boys low scoring qualifiers.

Now for that story

The summer I saved my life (abstract, I actually saved a woman from drowning), I became a lifeguard.  That summer was the best summer of my youth.  I was healthy and vulnerable susceptible to men’s opinions of me, and sexually objectified by many (still a virgin).

Now Molded by my environment I see.I was developing, coming into myself (physically, mentally, spiritually).

Throughout my golf career I had sponsors.  Hosting a Women’s National Tournament was the local golf course in my town.  I had no means of covering the entry fees.  Scott was not offering, either.  Looking back, I think Scott knew if he had it his way, I was better off locked up in a dungeon than embarrass him by being the best I could be….which was better than He!! 

Since the Gods convinced him of his envy and resentment, I was honored to participate in a world opened up for a young woman to discover herself.  I met woman with renown grace.  These woman are Me and I them.  We come from generations of women who find liberation through and out of suffering.

Humble/Hospitable beauty radiates from woman all around me.  I am blessed to be sober and able to contribute my verse.  I too have a place, as a Woman, Student, Creator, Destroyer, Healer….and much more!

BACK TO THE STORY ……………After three days of building friendships AND KICKING SOME ASS,   I found myself consciously aware of my emotional state, being that what it was-was nothing less than graceful and honorable.  I represented like a CHAMPION. The Gods are proud.  I am proud.


Well, Scott was unable to support his daughter in her beautiful glory.  During the ceremony Scott pulled me out side, but not before he proceeded to publicly destroy my confidence.

If you can imagine or Know, there is a tone which will make someone lose control of ones ability to hold urine or even feces.  Scott was a total let down.

The title ?  Someone to give Me away

The past few days of rigorous honesty with myself, as best I am capable, bring me to the Truth

ANOTHER STORY which is directly related I spent the last 5 years of ‘using’ with a Vietnam Vet.  Six years since our last phone conversation, not much more than me sending my best wishes to the family home stead.

I always hoped that one day I would hear that Pog had passed on (died).  When informed of his present condition, I spiraled into guilt. As if I owe him anything more than what he got from me, youth-youth is what I give to ALL.  Around me, one could experience overall improved health. I wish You Well as I wish myself Well While looking for a father in Pog, I also found a ‘lover’.

Ooops, turns out a woman, ME, hardly understands the implications of trying to enjoy a Newly Realized Platonic relationship. Chad has been with me all the way.  I am grateful for that.  My silenced past thoughts of Pog are coming out once and for all.  I will find out what is really holding me in the past.

Perhaps my relationship with my father has something to do with the relationships with all who might fill that fatherly role for me!!

My Next Step

Writing out my resentments.  Looking at my part, my motives and intentions are worthy of investigation. And as for my wedding day, today is a good day to allow Gods love to fill that hole. Amen

Sending Myself to School

I am in a position to not need to take such extreme stresses upon myself; such as Wife, Mother…..and student?  At least not while my son is a toddler.  I mean really…..I don,t need a school to show me where my ambitions and interests intersect with the needs of society.

Allow me to explain a spell longer:  If not school than a family, OR…..????? well…..there are worst activities one could find themselves engaged in.  For instance, surrounded by a library filled up with material a naturalist, like my evolving SOBER self; absorbing the healing knowledge of the body, mind, and spirit…..life doesn,t happen until you make something count.  Decide that it matters.  Have guts to try something newly unrealized, potential ‘Life Altering Experience’

sending a blessed prayer out to all those suffering emotionally, physically, spiritually.  May you be happy, as i wish myself happy. May you be at peace, as i wish self peace.  May we be free

i FORGIVE MYSELF, THE WORK HERE IS TO NOT ASK FOR but share.  Each bowl of rice. it is not the rice alone, but the many bowl which add up to a Healthy way of Living.  

I understood my addiction to destructive behavior needed addressing.  I knew deep inside: my spiritual experience would not come kindly , I mean, wow……My pouch of ferries dust had long been empty and never, seemingly filled with god love…..who knows how young we are, whittled, hollowed out and burnt as an offering

NOTE: For all roles created through You/ME.  The student is a valid and respectable, even ????  I do not wish to down play ANY ROLE, for this role is particularly critical to You and your experience.  This is ONLY ; ME…..sharing my devotion to discovering a newly realized self (WITH PROGRESS IN MIND, I wish to enclose my mania.  Thank You and come again!!

Misunderstand me not!  The universe provides GREATNESS, for those who perceive, acting out our characters (role) is ultimate creative expression.  Who else could?…..could i be ME….??POSSIBLY NOT-not-not-not now

<KayDee spinning out

the rest is in the works/////Summary of 2012////(the way it was)/////2013, thus far/////(what happened)(the way it is NOWs….our Newly Realized Perfect Imagined Life)/////// smashing to be here this fine random evening. hope to be including my WordPress into my newly realized life.  ben processing…






I do


YIP….in extreme emotional circumstances where I am needing to be acknowledged (my presence that is).

For instance, while riding my bicycle in town, it is critical the motorist know I am coming up on his reality.

It works every time



……………..WAIT FOR THE EYES……………continue with caution.

this world is my world……this world is Your world……..so share the road dude….

peace out

Reviewing 2012

Transition emissions

Life is Transition! Moments of evolving, regressing, depressing, Reflecting/Easy Listening.

I have been preparing all my life for this moment.  2012 past year, transitions through and back to, my ever evolving LIFE around I go, to and fro. doe?…suck my toe


Manifesting before Me

some things are unacceptable,

for me, to take part

Lets contribute to creating


anyone got something they are into ?

I will contribute to something progressive

a culmination of 1 minute skits

before the audience gets blitzes

my desires held in vibrational escrow

tapping into the ‘flow’

flow of alignment

living on consignment

I perceive through ‘vibration translation’

ever evolving change


Chose frequency

Full Power of Clarity, Love, Focus

Aligns me with ALL THAT IS GOOD

what is

dictates no more

how I feel

Art of Allowing

feel better NOW


the Ultimate Manifestation

wanna be happy ?

focus on happy