This question backed by much emotion, brings me to my current state.
A short story
My talents never valued. My dreams only mine. I seek to find.
At 15, golf was second to swimming/life guarding. The boys (dad, brother, grandpa) played golf every afternoon, into the wee hours of the morning at the practice green. Teased by the boys. I didn’t put in enough practice, to my dads minds eye. I was undeserving of such rewards freely given by others-others who saw my talents and beauty.
Eight grade my interest in golf flourished. Rewarded with time off from school and afternoons at practice, meant less time at the Body Shop slaving for Scott (Dad). The Girls Golf Team thought a joke, by the boys. I would take home the Silver, Bronze and sometimes Gold Medal. The standards for girls high school golf was hardly comparable to the boys low scoring qualifiers.
Now for that story
The summer I saved my life (abstract, I actually saved a woman from drowning), I became a lifeguard. That summer was the best summer of my youth. I was healthy and vulnerable susceptible to men’s opinions of me, and sexually objectified by many (still a virgin).
Now Molded by my environment I see.I was developing, coming into myself (physically, mentally, spiritually).
Throughout my golf career I had sponsors. Hosting a Women’s National Tournament was the local golf course in my town. I had no means of covering the entry fees. Scott was not offering, either. Looking back, I think Scott knew if he had it his way, I was better off locked up in a dungeon than embarrass him by being the best I could be….which was better than He!!
Since the Gods convinced him of his envy and resentment, I was honored to participate in a world opened up for a young woman to discover herself. I met woman with renown grace. These woman are Me and I them. We come from generations of women who find liberation through and out of suffering.
Humble/Hospitable beauty radiates from woman all around me. I am blessed to be sober and able to contribute my verse. I too have a place, as a Woman, Student, Creator, Destroyer, Healer….and much more!
BACK TO THE STORY ……………After three days of building friendships AND KICKING SOME ASS, I found myself consciously aware of my emotional state, being that what it was-was nothing less than graceful and honorable. I represented like a CHAMPION. The Gods are proud. I am proud.
Well, Scott was unable to support his daughter in her beautiful glory. During the ceremony Scott pulled me out side, but not before he proceeded to publicly destroy my confidence.
If you can imagine or Know, there is a tone which will make someone lose control of ones ability to hold urine or even feces. Scott was a total let down.
The title ? Someone to give Me away
The past few days of rigorous honesty with myself, as best I am capable, bring me to the Truth
ANOTHER STORY which is directly related I spent the last 5 years of ‘using’ with a Vietnam Vet. Six years since our last phone conversation, not much more than me sending my best wishes to the family home stead.
I always hoped that one day I would hear that Pog had passed on (died). When informed of his present condition, I spiraled into guilt. As if I owe him anything more than what he got from me, youth-youth is what I give to ALL. Around me, one could experience overall improved health. I wish You Well as I wish myself Well While looking for a father in Pog, I also found a ‘lover’.
Ooops, turns out a woman, ME, hardly understands the implications of trying to enjoy a Newly Realized Platonic relationship. Chad has been with me all the way. I am grateful for that. My silenced past thoughts of Pog are coming out once and for all. I will find out what is really holding me in the past.
Perhaps my relationship with my father has something to do with the relationships with all who might fill that fatherly role for me!!
My Next Step
Writing out my resentments. Looking at my part, my motives and intentions are worthy of investigation. And as for my wedding day, today is a good day to allow Gods love to fill that hole. Amen