I see RED, and I can’t see at all

Patterns of thought;

I feel loved and unaccepted

tolerated and rejected.

I see red, and can’t see at all.

My verse is short

My fuse is fragile

I see red, and can’t see at all.

Patterns………

where they lead me.

Solutions of Insanity

Pathways to Serenity

I see red, and can’t see at all.

Spying escape from myself

I tear away my mask.

I see red, and I can’t see at all.

My Fans shred away my inhibition.

I walk in submission

Head Held High

eyes turned down

TAKING OFF MY CROWN

Photo-0322

The torture of silence brews in fear of not being acknowledged.

Oad to the world

I AM ALREADY DEAD!

Oad to the world

my time spent plundering

a treasure never mine……

Oad to you.

It is getting quite cold in here

death is

cold……dark, the darkest kind of cold; rooted to

DESIRE…..’desire for life’

sex

friendships

IMMORTALITY 

LOVE

Dreams of a (PIL) Perfect Imagined Live

gains courage

…….TO DESTROY

I am on this journey knowing one thing only….(that I don’t know MUCH)

That I get stuck

I get  mugged

I desire blood.

ONE THING CERTAIN…..

…..

Much time spent

playing ignorant!

My uncontrollable plight

I beg for the night

I wake with horrid fright

I tremble at the sight of my moment to moment strife

Guided by a force unknown

I look to the tools the Universe has shown

My past and future are my present

Like a Christmas in November……

except it is October.

My red turns to bright pinks and purples

I have NO PEARL

I am but MAN

Seeking to understand……

HOw to let go .And let God

Amen

Anyone whom admits defeat is a friend of mine. I am powerless over people, places and things today!

Cheers!

Happy Friday as well!!!

Advertisements

PIMP me through the portal…..I will bring U bread and water

We did this together.  My sweet heart of past,

there is pain and darkness, there is work that can be done which gets me out of evil.  It is the writing.  Here I am!! Raw Sleep deprived, nutritionally deprived, Feeling better than before. Making a path through the darkness.  Finding out secrets I already knew.  New because they are mine.  these secrets are mine

Starting a fresh

Open flood gates

Leaving the weak hearted weeping for the unknown to transform

(to know)

How this started is more than what I currently understand.  Or, how this ordeal wins , as I write, changing me, (transforming/awakening) .  Make no mistake, the Universe has provided me with, yet another season of sprouts, marigolds and much more,,,,and it’s not even summer.  Technicolor !!!

A flood of healing which amounts to a revelation already known character treats. 

PIMP : A pimp can never be trusted.  iN this case, ONLY IF YOU ARE A MAN

I see once again, I do not owe him anything.  He informed me of that when I called in tears, just know, expressing my gratitude for his enduring me during my years of ‘using’.  Nearly six years have passed with no attempt to contact. For obvious reason.  One being, Pog is 25 years on me.  If I had of stayed longer than I did, (We played house for 5 years) I would not be enjoying my life with justice for ALL!!  ANYWAY

Mostly, if Pog hears from ME….there is something wrong.  And to my understanding there IS.  

My bro is likely in prisoned for life.  My father and I are…..well, we are ???? Peacefull….yes peacefull.  The emptiness I feel with my bro and father have been brewing since the begging.

I don,t know…..ask, Carl Young.

Pog is a man.  A man with many talents.  Our talk lasted 20-25 minutes.  All the while Chad, was with me .  With me all the way.  From the moment I got the message from mutual friend that Pog suffered multiple strokes, total rehabilitation of speech, holding bowls.  This guy is Pog, my sweetheart before Chad.

I am who I am because of my choices/ and I am proud to be living a sober life today.  Thank you GOD

With his tone he slithered his tail up my skirt.  No luck that I was wearing hosiery.  He found his way between my legs with heat of a diamond back basking on a hot summer day.  I natural looking to Chad, for he has been with me (No secrets), he felt the energy turn from Fatherly Role to: PIMP!!

Pod asked me if I was FAT!!

Wouldn’t he like to know…..HA.  The type of girl I am, I would like to tell him all about it.  This character, whom I call ‘Roxy’, is saved by her Knight in Glorified Union w/ my Newly Realized Blessed Life . AMEN

THE PUZZLE

The ordeal to overcome has a unique key which yields to an open heart, till then, floods rush

emotions expelled like unwanted water in a drown victim

Look in the depth, where the hiden eyes revealing itself in the abstract clues of the universe

 

 

 

 

 

Sending Myself to School

I am in a position to not need to take such extreme stresses upon myself; such as Wife, Mother…..and student?  At least not while my son is a toddler.  I mean really…..I don,t need a school to show me where my ambitions and interests intersect with the needs of society.

Allow me to explain a spell longer:  If not school than a family, OR…..????? well…..there are worst activities one could find themselves engaged in.  For instance, surrounded by a library filled up with material a naturalist, like my evolving SOBER self; absorbing the healing knowledge of the body, mind, and spirit…..life doesn,t happen until you make something count.  Decide that it matters.  Have guts to try something newly unrealized, potential ‘Life Altering Experience’

sending a blessed prayer out to all those suffering emotionally, physically, spiritually.  May you be happy, as i wish myself happy. May you be at peace, as i wish self peace.  May we be free

i FORGIVE MYSELF, THE WORK HERE IS TO NOT ASK FOR but share.  Each bowl of rice. it is not the rice alone, but the many bowl which add up to a Healthy way of Living.  

I understood my addiction to destructive behavior needed addressing.  I knew deep inside: my spiritual experience would not come kindly , I mean, wow……My pouch of ferries dust had long been empty and never, seemingly filled with god love…..who knows how young we are, whittled, hollowed out and burnt as an offering

NOTE: For all roles created through You/ME.  The student is a valid and respectable, even ????  I do not wish to down play ANY ROLE, for this role is particularly critical to You and your experience.  This is ONLY ; ME…..sharing my devotion to discovering a newly realized self (WITH PROGRESS IN MIND, I wish to enclose my mania.  Thank You and come again!!

Misunderstand me not!  The universe provides GREATNESS, for those who perceive, acting out our characters (role) is ultimate creative expression.  Who else could?…..could i be ME….??POSSIBLY NOT-not-not-not now

<KayDee spinning out

the rest is in the works/////Summary of 2012////(the way it was)/////2013, thus far/////(what happened)(the way it is NOWs….our Newly Realized Perfect Imagined Life)/////// smashing to be here this fine random evening. hope to be including my WordPress into my newly realized life.  ben processing…

YIP

YIP

…..IN A HIGH PITCH FROM DEEP WITHIN….and OUT 

YIP

YIP

I do

YIP 

YIP….in extreme emotional circumstances where I am needing to be acknowledged (my presence that is).

For instance, while riding my bicycle in town, it is critical the motorist know I am coming up on his reality.

It works every time

YIP

YIP

……………..WAIT FOR THE EYES……………continue with caution.

this world is my world……this world is Your world……..so share the road dude….

peace out

Reviewing 2012

Transition emissions

Life is Transition! Moments of evolving, regressing, depressing, Reflecting/Easy Listening.

I have been preparing all my life for this moment.  2012 past year, transitions through and back to, my ever evolving LIFE around I go, to and fro. doe?…suck my toe

bop

HOW I FIND LIBERATION….in this moment!!!!!

The truth shall set me FREEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee.

The point is…….I GET TO WRITE.  I choose to do things, all the day through, that contribute to a healthier ME !!! ………or not.

I received my first Massage. delicious. 

Motor Mama, ‘Grace’ got an oil change. delicious.

Great-Grandpape passed in the night

Aquarian of his loins/ his realized insight

Power in ‘YES’

BE GOOD TO UR HUSBAND is his request.

Calmness.

Rest.

Kaydee spinin out

Transitional Moments

My in-laws were here for 3 weeks.  Two days after they set out for Arizona I met ‘Soul Sister’.

Soul Sister and I have the same birthday, different year.  We were out and about when a rooster hurriedly crossed 15 ft. front our on-coming vehicle.  WAIT…..’Rooster 2′ brought up the tail!!!!  I am ‘Rooster’, born in 1981.

Do you believe in omens (signs from nature) ?  Does the World reveal answers to Your questions ?  It is ALL FOR US/ You know that though……………………………………………

This is the coming age of Aquarius.  Soul Sister has been on the streets for the past year.  She knows things about STUFF.  I love her.  Soul Sister has a purpose too.  I opened up my bible to read Revelations.  Some how I got ‘Pirates’ bible.  ‘Pirate’ is my younger brother.  (Revelations was missing though).

Do you ever do kind deeds for others and not speak about them to anyone?

Oozing with ‘GOD LOVE’

Been preparing all my life

I see it, in my stride

Bach Essence in my water

Spiritual Weapons N Halter

Undefinable courage to Pray

War coming down all around

Vowing to keep my relations sound

My dear friends;  May everything good in life find You and Yours!!  Some people are in our lives for a spell.  In fact, MOST are projections of ‘who we are’, ‘who we want to be’.  And the person we don’t want to be is seemingly oozing away, one positive self affirming thought at a time.

 

Le.t.go ….click

spend my life getting validation through means of sexuality.  Touch is sexual in nature.  On a scale, sexuality

  • how many decisions/actions, words, thoughts,…. were lined up/ creating a shared reality with another human?

 

I was set to blast out the front door, first thing this morning.  While engaged in our morning rituals/getting right with GOD, I felt a ‘energy shift’!  I am not clear as to how my history has brought me here (I am a product of my environment).   Within that environment I am a conscious participant, making choices/creating/destroying//////grieving/fighting/allowing/understanding/

My emotions like a revolving door

Each of us has a history (a story), an environment which has influenced our beliefs.  Within Me is a little girl.  Validated in inappropriate manners.  (A child needs/HUMANS NEED touch to survive.  Touch is sexual in nature. )

My mix up//////between you and I….and everyone else listening, this is a time to understand something about ourselves.

Our experiment with abstinence has shown me something.  NOT ON IT’S OWN, I suspect!!!

If it wasn’t for my environment, (past and present/day and night) this alignment would not be my reality…..AND i do Love my Life today!!  I am

Why did I outwardly try to fight in my adolescence?

in fact, I am knowing this much…..

The resentment I hold against my father is one we almost all hold against our parents.

Deepest Resentment, I see thus far:

  • The lack of positive feelings between my father and I.  Most of our relationship is distracted from the deeper truths.  Religion, Love, Self-worth, Validation; to name a few relevant connections/understandings.  The use of drugs and alchool, Infidelity, Dishonest, Abusive.

Taking time to acknowledge our children is critical for our future.  My future ?

Depends on my feelings about my past.