Don’t talk to strangers

I remember

I am darkness, anger and pain.  I love them all-all the men. I love You!  I love your women too.  Women have influence.  Husbands dislike it when another man creates excitement in us, they are human.  With maturity this can bring out the best in your man…..I just have ‘NO’ idea how!

Wear my emotions on my sleeve

I can’t breathe

Let me be

Prosperity to us all.

Someone to give Me away

This question backed by much emotion, brings me to my current state.

A short story

My talents never valued.  My dreams only mine.  I seek to find.

At 15, golf was second to swimming/life guarding.  The boys (dad, brother, grandpa) played golf every afternoon, into the wee hours of the morning at the practice green.  Teased by the boys.  I didn’t put in enough practice, to my dads minds eye.  I was undeserving of such rewards freely given by others-others who saw my talents and beauty.

Eight grade my interest in golf flourished.  Rewarded with time off from school and afternoons at practice, meant less time at the Body Shop slaving for Scott (Dad).  The Girls Golf Team thought a joke, by the boys.  I would take home the Silver, Bronze and sometimes Gold Medal.  The standards for girls high school golf was hardly comparable to the boys low scoring qualifiers.

Now for that story

The summer I saved my life (abstract, I actually saved a woman from drowning), I became a lifeguard.  That summer was the best summer of my youth.  I was healthy and vulnerable susceptible to men’s opinions of me, and sexually objectified by many (still a virgin).

Now Molded by my environment I see.I was developing, coming into myself (physically, mentally, spiritually).

Throughout my golf career I had sponsors.  Hosting a Women’s National Tournament was the local golf course in my town.  I had no means of covering the entry fees.  Scott was not offering, either.  Looking back, I think Scott knew if he had it his way, I was better off locked up in a dungeon than embarrass him by being the best I could be….which was better than He!! 

Since the Gods convinced him of his envy and resentment, I was honored to participate in a world opened up for a young woman to discover herself.  I met woman with renown grace.  These woman are Me and I them.  We come from generations of women who find liberation through and out of suffering.

Humble/Hospitable beauty radiates from woman all around me.  I am blessed to be sober and able to contribute my verse.  I too have a place, as a Woman, Student, Creator, Destroyer, Healer….and much more!

BACK TO THE STORY ……………After three days of building friendships AND KICKING SOME ASS,   I found myself consciously aware of my emotional state, being that what it was-was nothing less than graceful and honorable.  I represented like a CHAMPION. The Gods are proud.  I am proud.

Dad?

Well, Scott was unable to support his daughter in her beautiful glory.  During the ceremony Scott pulled me out side, but not before he proceeded to publicly destroy my confidence.

If you can imagine or Know, there is a tone which will make someone lose control of ones ability to hold urine or even feces.  Scott was a total let down.

The title ?  Someone to give Me away

The past few days of rigorous honesty with myself, as best I am capable, bring me to the Truth

ANOTHER STORY which is directly related I spent the last 5 years of ‘using’ with a Vietnam Vet.  Six years since our last phone conversation, not much more than me sending my best wishes to the family home stead.

I always hoped that one day I would hear that Pog had passed on (died).  When informed of his present condition, I spiraled into guilt. As if I owe him anything more than what he got from me, youth-youth is what I give to ALL.  Around me, one could experience overall improved health. I wish You Well as I wish myself Well While looking for a father in Pog, I also found a ‘lover’.

Ooops, turns out a woman, ME, hardly understands the implications of trying to enjoy a Newly Realized Platonic relationship. Chad has been with me all the way.  I am grateful for that.  My silenced past thoughts of Pog are coming out once and for all.  I will find out what is really holding me in the past.

Perhaps my relationship with my father has something to do with the relationships with all who might fill that fatherly role for me!!

My Next Step

Writing out my resentments.  Looking at my part, my motives and intentions are worthy of investigation. And as for my wedding day, today is a good day to allow Gods love to fill that hole. Amen

Le.t.go ….click

spend my life getting validation through means of sexuality.  Touch is sexual in nature.  On a scale, sexuality

  • how many decisions/actions, words, thoughts,…. were lined up/ creating a shared reality with another human?

 

I was set to blast out the front door, first thing this morning.  While engaged in our morning rituals/getting right with GOD, I felt a ‘energy shift’!  I am not clear as to how my history has brought me here (I am a product of my environment).   Within that environment I am a conscious participant, making choices/creating/destroying//////grieving/fighting/allowing/understanding/

My emotions like a revolving door

Each of us has a history (a story), an environment which has influenced our beliefs.  Within Me is a little girl.  Validated in inappropriate manners.  (A child needs/HUMANS NEED touch to survive.  Touch is sexual in nature. )

My mix up//////between you and I….and everyone else listening, this is a time to understand something about ourselves.

Our experiment with abstinence has shown me something.  NOT ON IT’S OWN, I suspect!!!

If it wasn’t for my environment, (past and present/day and night) this alignment would not be my reality…..AND i do Love my Life today!!  I am

Why did I outwardly try to fight in my adolescence?

in fact, I am knowing this much…..

The resentment I hold against my father is one we almost all hold against our parents.

Deepest Resentment, I see thus far:

  • The lack of positive feelings between my father and I.  Most of our relationship is distracted from the deeper truths.  Religion, Love, Self-worth, Validation; to name a few relevant connections/understandings.  The use of drugs and alchool, Infidelity, Dishonest, Abusive.

Taking time to acknowledge our children is critical for our future.  My future ?

Depends on my feelings about my past.

 

Manic Monday

Telly reassured my score as a wife and mother.  Her verbal approval of Our Marriage is rare, especially from a Young Women from a split up family.  She has more of a chance with her future than her parents did.  By choices that they made.  Our chances of changing our lives is strengthened by our parents mistakes.  We can love them, for they are our parents.  They took on a life altering situation by agreeing to take part in parenting.

BUT FOR GOODNESS SAKES…..We don’t need to make the same waste of time ‘staying high’  on what ever it is that takes them away from self-awareness/and learning gentle kindness toward themselves.  

For many years, I played out the role my addict mother chose.  Some how I felt closer to her.  The world was definitely a better place when my mother was spreading love.  She passed away when I was 10.   I discovered, with the help of my hubby,  I didn’t need ignorance bliss in my experience.  My mom was unavailable for my brother and I.  AND, this was not the life worth living.  My pity for her.  I didn’t want to be better than her.  I was making sure of that when I used Meth, Sex, or anything else used out of proportion.

Telly:  “You guys should stay to together always.  You are ‘Dynamite Couple”

Telly’s dad (Mr. Lincolns PaPa), took time out from work to raise the children, while mother worked from 7 to 7 .  She was unable to be present and still struggles with her relationships (by her choice).  Some people are said to be born that way, unavailable emotionally/ emotionally out of control.

I only know that I was Not……..born that way.  I am not accepting ‘ignorant is bliss’.  I continue to be interested in a balanced life.  An appropriate placement of emotions.  A time and place for ‘everything’.

Within the moments of unfolding life there are opportunities for MANY ROLES for one to choice to play.  A well orchestrated social performance allows for us ALL to get a taste of  ‘center stage’ if You will.

God Knows What’s Up

I remember thinking!  NO…..I REMEMBER KNOWING!!  I was a Meth junky, 2 years in….maybe.  I remember knowing that I could have a Life worth living.  Blessed I am with a healthy body and mind.  I  have a communicative relationship with my Angels’.  More than I used to, and not always tuned in when I would like to be.   

WHEN ?

My girlfriend asked, ‘When?”  I naturally, without effort, ” Sooner than Later / Before but After “

My interpretation;  Soonerthan later (You can count on me)  Before but After (Before dark but after dinner)

Do You have any tags for Sooner than Later/ Before but After ?

Why This…? It’s relevant !!

You quit your job, for some guy, and ran off with him?  And, he his?

Yah,” we had five-hundred dollars, fear of the unknown (Actually, we were afraid to journey back to my old stomping grounds.  I was attempting to convince Chad we should go back to my home town to visit those I had left to rot in shit.) excitement , exhilaration for adventure, youth, ambition, God…..AND we were positively, madly in LOVE.

Chads parents resided on a house boat  in Seattle.  1800 miles journey in Sally Forth would bring us that much closer to our destiny.  (Living side-by-side, rooting for one another to prevail in harmony.  Learning, experimenting, struggling, all alone but with each other.  We really had no one else on our side.  Since then my mother-in-law and I are whole heartedly working on our diplomatic communication skills.  (We get on quite well together).

Why This?

I rarely speak of my personal/private relationship with Chad.  This is partly because I want him to be the first to hear it from me.  Most often we are working it out (busy 24/7)  Late hours and extremely satisfying days with our toddler allows me many outlets.  While I do not blog about marriage or how I could be better in my marriage (I have YET  to admit to myself) , I am mentioning it now!?……little by little!!

P.S.  I did not finish the apron for the wedding gift.  I worked hard at it, until it was obvious I was extending the project to be finished by the next Mommy Group!  I will give it to her there.

I am really glad I was able to be there for my new friend.  I was hair dresser for an hour 🙂

Offerings of Penance

Behind thick eyes a heavy heart

only she is playing the part

with that in mind

I fail, while paying in kind

regressing to hurt feelings

left wondering

cross the street

looking forward to meet

who’s up

in luck

position against

cooperation checked at the fence

play ground of the group

keeps the power mongers at bay

sharing the Universal Stage

Inner lacking

paper-cuts stacking

lollipop gagging

shoulders lagging

unaffected by prejudice

gonna get mine

Ur choice to stay behind

position against

while asking for validation

offering agitation

be careful of Your power

glad we could share

….but NOW I need a shower

Next time we meet

I’ll remember to bring my Umbrella