Her Motives…

I have returned to a life once known by she
entering into another being
experiencing some other reality

a sort of romance

I admired her for all she achieved. She grew up nurtured by hostility and bitter disappointments, learning to appreciate the sublime beauty of chaos.To overcome such severe colors and build a life that defied all negative equations was a miracle I was fortunate to marvel over. Her experiences overshadowed the generous choral nature that life offers with a suspicious haze and a shade of guilt. Everyone had an ulterior motive.

When a former boss invited her spend the day with her family at the beach she fretted over why anyone would include her in their company. She wondered if she’d done something wrong or if the motives behind her invite spelled some nefarious outcome. She simply couldn’t resign to the concrete result of her embodiment in other’s lives…that the people she’d formed relationships with truly admired and adored her.

Then there was me. The essence of love I held for her became some abstracted orientation…

View original post 618 more words

I found something inside myself; even when I least expected it

I heard somewhere; Motivation comes 60 to 90 seconds after one engages in the activities.

Am I there yet ?!

In the most recent events I have found myself up till 2;30 in the AM reading material and studying my interests.

Since the New Year, I have began to send myself to school, reading and taking notes on Pointed Pressure Therapy, G-Jo fingertip Massage, Massage, Homeopathic for Children, the Bible, to name a few!!

Mentoring at the local herbal shoppe; attending committee meetings @ the Mental Health, and I even found myself in the city getting involved as the coordinator of a Mindfulness seminar with Donald Altman ; well-known through his books on mindfulness and nutrition.

I was asked by a gentleman if I wrote the book titled The Joy Compass?  Because I looked like a joy compass.  Well…..that was a nice come on.  No but really, I can’t wait to share my joy compass with everyone here on WordPress and out in the open wide world.

Peace Out

PIMP me through the portal…..I will bring U bread and water

We did this together.  My sweet heart of past,

there is pain and darkness, there is work that can be done which gets me out of evil.  It is the writing.  Here I am!! Raw Sleep deprived, nutritionally deprived, Feeling better than before. Making a path through the darkness.  Finding out secrets I already knew.  New because they are mine.  these secrets are mine

Starting a fresh

Open flood gates

Leaving the weak hearted weeping for the unknown to transform

(to know)

How this started is more than what I currently understand.  Or, how this ordeal wins , as I write, changing me, (transforming/awakening) .  Make no mistake, the Universe has provided me with, yet another season of sprouts, marigolds and much more,,,,and it’s not even summer.  Technicolor !!!

A flood of healing which amounts to a revelation already known character treats. 

PIMP : A pimp can never be trusted.  iN this case, ONLY IF YOU ARE A MAN

I see once again, I do not owe him anything.  He informed me of that when I called in tears, just know, expressing my gratitude for his enduring me during my years of ‘using’.  Nearly six years have passed with no attempt to contact. For obvious reason.  One being, Pog is 25 years on me.  If I had of stayed longer than I did, (We played house for 5 years) I would not be enjoying my life with justice for ALL!!  ANYWAY

Mostly, if Pog hears from ME….there is something wrong.  And to my understanding there IS.  

My bro is likely in prisoned for life.  My father and I are…..well, we are ???? Peacefull….yes peacefull.  The emptiness I feel with my bro and father have been brewing since the begging.

I don,t know…..ask, Carl Young.

Pog is a man.  A man with many talents.  Our talk lasted 20-25 minutes.  All the while Chad, was with me .  With me all the way.  From the moment I got the message from mutual friend that Pog suffered multiple strokes, total rehabilitation of speech, holding bowls.  This guy is Pog, my sweetheart before Chad.

I am who I am because of my choices/ and I am proud to be living a sober life today.  Thank you GOD

With his tone he slithered his tail up my skirt.  No luck that I was wearing hosiery.  He found his way between my legs with heat of a diamond back basking on a hot summer day.  I natural looking to Chad, for he has been with me (No secrets), he felt the energy turn from Fatherly Role to: PIMP!!

Pod asked me if I was FAT!!

Wouldn’t he like to know…..HA.  The type of girl I am, I would like to tell him all about it.  This character, whom I call ‘Roxy’, is saved by her Knight in Glorified Union w/ my Newly Realized Blessed Life . AMEN

THE PUZZLE

The ordeal to overcome has a unique key which yields to an open heart, till then, floods rush

emotions expelled like unwanted water in a drown victim

Look in the depth, where the hiden eyes revealing itself in the abstract clues of the universe

 

 

 

 

 

Le.t.go ….click

spend my life getting validation through means of sexuality.  Touch is sexual in nature.  On a scale, sexuality

  • how many decisions/actions, words, thoughts,…. were lined up/ creating a shared reality with another human?

 

I was set to blast out the front door, first thing this morning.  While engaged in our morning rituals/getting right with GOD, I felt a ‘energy shift’!  I am not clear as to how my history has brought me here (I am a product of my environment).   Within that environment I am a conscious participant, making choices/creating/destroying//////grieving/fighting/allowing/understanding/

My emotions like a revolving door

Each of us has a history (a story), an environment which has influenced our beliefs.  Within Me is a little girl.  Validated in inappropriate manners.  (A child needs/HUMANS NEED touch to survive.  Touch is sexual in nature. )

My mix up//////between you and I….and everyone else listening, this is a time to understand something about ourselves.

Our experiment with abstinence has shown me something.  NOT ON IT’S OWN, I suspect!!!

If it wasn’t for my environment, (past and present/day and night) this alignment would not be my reality…..AND i do Love my Life today!!  I am

Why did I outwardly try to fight in my adolescence?

in fact, I am knowing this much…..

The resentment I hold against my father is one we almost all hold against our parents.

Deepest Resentment, I see thus far:

  • The lack of positive feelings between my father and I.  Most of our relationship is distracted from the deeper truths.  Religion, Love, Self-worth, Validation; to name a few relevant connections/understandings.  The use of drugs and alchool, Infidelity, Dishonest, Abusive.

Taking time to acknowledge our children is critical for our future.  My future ?

Depends on my feelings about my past.

 

Sunday Confessions

My Babe is ‘scoring points’ !!

My Babe is using her words well

coming out of her shell.

My Babe is crossing her t’s and dotting her eye’s

shedding the masks to stay ‘ALIVE’,

BLASTING OFF/ SPINNING OUT

Adolescent till thirty

still painting her nails when there dirty

My Babe is ‘scoring points’

going with the current

discovering purpose

allowing, responding

NOT REACTING !!

Neurotransmitters firing.  Chamomile Soothing

Before the Industrial Revolution, 9 OUT OF 10 people worked from home.  I often see us putting others in a box.  This box doesn’t have a revolving door gang.  A place to explore and discover the world and how we might fit into making it a better place.

Where the needs of society and my interests intersect, there lies my career.  ARISTOTLE ….almost Quote

I want to create a life for myself, one which allows me to earn a living through creative outlets.  Creativity is no longer publicly encouraged.  The material is more expensive than the finished product in the department store.  How is that possible?  What is the fair price?

This makes it harder for a home business to stay afloat.  More and More we turn to Cooperate Institutions for survival.  This is hardly liberating.  Liberation is a Re-public allusion.  Eye understand we are a Republic.  I also understand, the way I vote in the grocery store (by the foods I buy) possibly has more of an impact on my immediate reality.

I am not registered to vote.  Never have been, Right!  I, UNTIL RECENTLY, have not been concerned or remotely interested in politics.  At 31, I am becoming more informed and involved.

Neurotransmitters Firing, Chamomile Soothing, Past Educating, Moment Evolving 

 

Why This…? It’s relevant !!

You quit your job, for some guy, and ran off with him?  And, he his?

Yah,” we had five-hundred dollars, fear of the unknown (Actually, we were afraid to journey back to my old stomping grounds.  I was attempting to convince Chad we should go back to my home town to visit those I had left to rot in shit.) excitement , exhilaration for adventure, youth, ambition, God…..AND we were positively, madly in LOVE.

Chads parents resided on a house boat  in Seattle.  1800 miles journey in Sally Forth would bring us that much closer to our destiny.  (Living side-by-side, rooting for one another to prevail in harmony.  Learning, experimenting, struggling, all alone but with each other.  We really had no one else on our side.  Since then my mother-in-law and I are whole heartedly working on our diplomatic communication skills.  (We get on quite well together).

Why This?

I rarely speak of my personal/private relationship with Chad.  This is partly because I want him to be the first to hear it from me.  Most often we are working it out (busy 24/7)  Late hours and extremely satisfying days with our toddler allows me many outlets.  While I do not blog about marriage or how I could be better in my marriage (I have YET  to admit to myself) , I am mentioning it now!?……little by little!!

P.S.  I did not finish the apron for the wedding gift.  I worked hard at it, until it was obvious I was extending the project to be finished by the next Mommy Group!  I will give it to her there.

I am really glad I was able to be there for my new friend.  I was hair dresser for an hour 🙂

Unfolding to the grace of ‘ONE-sweet-DAY’

Writing-writing MUST be,

the very first thing I do

upon awaking to the fingertips of rose stretching her morning rays

blessing me with another glorious day

I WILL-will myself eternally interested

write;  AT LEAST 3 pages of free verse.   Looking for that balance.  I enjoy writing in the morning, encompassing a prayer of gratitude and justice.  Attempting to connect with truth.  Aligning with my desires and ambitions.  Giving my greatest effort in allowing the Universe to unfold for everyone, as it may!