Her Motives…

I have returned to a life once known by she
entering into another being
experiencing some other reality

a sort of romance

I admired her for all she achieved. She grew up nurtured by hostility and bitter disappointments, learning to appreciate the sublime beauty of chaos.To overcome such severe colors and build a life that defied all negative equations was a miracle I was fortunate to marvel over. Her experiences overshadowed the generous choral nature that life offers with a suspicious haze and a shade of guilt. Everyone had an ulterior motive.

When a former boss invited her spend the day with her family at the beach she fretted over why anyone would include her in their company. She wondered if she’d done something wrong or if the motives behind her invite spelled some nefarious outcome. She simply couldn’t resign to the concrete result of her embodiment in other’s lives…that the people she’d formed relationships with truly admired and adored her.

Then there was me. The essence of love I held for her became some abstracted orientation…

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I see RED, and I can’t see at all

Patterns of thought;

I feel loved and unaccepted

tolerated and rejected.

I see red, and can’t see at all.

My verse is short

My fuse is fragile

I see red, and can’t see at all.

Patterns………

where they lead me.

Solutions of Insanity

Pathways to Serenity

I see red, and can’t see at all.

Spying escape from myself

I tear away my mask.

I see red, and I can’t see at all.

My Fans shred away my inhibition.

I walk in submission

Head Held High

eyes turned down

TAKING OFF MY CROWN

Photo-0322

The torture of silence brews in fear of not being acknowledged.

Oad to the world

I AM ALREADY DEAD!

Oad to the world

my time spent plundering

a treasure never mine……

Oad to you.

It is getting quite cold in here

death is

cold……dark, the darkest kind of cold; rooted to

DESIRE…..’desire for life’

sex

friendships

IMMORTALITY 

LOVE

Dreams of a (PIL) Perfect Imagined Live

gains courage

…….TO DESTROY

I am on this journey knowing one thing only….(that I don’t know MUCH)

That I get stuck

I get  mugged

I desire blood.

ONE THING CERTAIN…..

…..

Much time spent

playing ignorant!

My uncontrollable plight

I beg for the night

I wake with horrid fright

I tremble at the sight of my moment to moment strife

Guided by a force unknown

I look to the tools the Universe has shown

My past and future are my present

Like a Christmas in November……

except it is October.

My red turns to bright pinks and purples

I have NO PEARL

I am but MAN

Seeking to understand……

HOw to let go .And let God

Amen

Anyone whom admits defeat is a friend of mine. I am powerless over people, places and things today!

Cheers!

Happy Friday as well!!!

Saturday ‘Squezze Me’

Looking for activities which connect me with my true nature.

Health and Happiness result from being in harmony with our own nature, and doing the work for which we are individually suited.

Dr. Bach’s Philosophy

Scleranthus is an insecurity flower,

communicating to me

Hopefully I see….BUT if not

the compensation flower use, is key.

To Me,

this place would be

reliable;

in calming my mind.

Soothing my anxiety.

Fulfilled?……

Satisfied?…..

with what the moment IS ‘presently’

War wages down, all round.

Consciencely, looking to keep my relationships sound.

“Wishing us a prosperous day”

Many times I will say, “May you be prosperous in your day…..”

Keep on doing it…..

lets BE

doers’

‘shakers’

(pause)…………

……………………..

……….AND MOVERS

My three page free verse is half full.

Sending myself to school.

Rebecca once shared, “Write your way to happiness.”

Embrace despair,

grow out my hair!?

Another encouraging voice,

a whispering choice.

(speaks possibility), “Everything imagined is Your perfect imagined reality”

“Everything written plants a seed of prosperity”

I will chant my way to prosperity.

I open my mind to possibility.

Hold on to Joy

Be OK with Me

Turn away from tragedy,

BE FREE

BE FREE ; Creatively;

healthy sexuality;

abandon negativity; Do Not Toy with Me !

I am nearly there

Rushing through my anxiety;

using

‘lemon balm tea’,

apple cider vinegar ‘tottie’

with a bit of ‘honey’

PeAcE

 

Sending Myself to School

I am in a position to not need to take such extreme stresses upon myself; such as Wife, Mother…..and student?  At least not while my son is a toddler.  I mean really…..I don,t need a school to show me where my ambitions and interests intersect with the needs of society.

Allow me to explain a spell longer:  If not school than a family, OR…..????? well…..there are worst activities one could find themselves engaged in.  For instance, surrounded by a library filled up with material a naturalist, like my evolving SOBER self; absorbing the healing knowledge of the body, mind, and spirit…..life doesn,t happen until you make something count.  Decide that it matters.  Have guts to try something newly unrealized, potential ‘Life Altering Experience’

sending a blessed prayer out to all those suffering emotionally, physically, spiritually.  May you be happy, as i wish myself happy. May you be at peace, as i wish self peace.  May we be free

i FORGIVE MYSELF, THE WORK HERE IS TO NOT ASK FOR but share.  Each bowl of rice. it is not the rice alone, but the many bowl which add up to a Healthy way of Living.  

I understood my addiction to destructive behavior needed addressing.  I knew deep inside: my spiritual experience would not come kindly , I mean, wow……My pouch of ferries dust had long been empty and never, seemingly filled with god love…..who knows how young we are, whittled, hollowed out and burnt as an offering

NOTE: For all roles created through You/ME.  The student is a valid and respectable, even ????  I do not wish to down play ANY ROLE, for this role is particularly critical to You and your experience.  This is ONLY ; ME…..sharing my devotion to discovering a newly realized self (WITH PROGRESS IN MIND, I wish to enclose my mania.  Thank You and come again!!

Misunderstand me not!  The universe provides GREATNESS, for those who perceive, acting out our characters (role) is ultimate creative expression.  Who else could?…..could i be ME….??POSSIBLY NOT-not-not-not now

<KayDee spinning out

the rest is in the works/////Summary of 2012////(the way it was)/////2013, thus far/////(what happened)(the way it is NOWs….our Newly Realized Perfect Imagined Life)/////// smashing to be here this fine random evening. hope to be including my WordPress into my newly realized life.  ben processing…

YIP

YIP

…..IN A HIGH PITCH FROM DEEP WITHIN….and OUT 

YIP

YIP

I do

YIP 

YIP….in extreme emotional circumstances where I am needing to be acknowledged (my presence that is).

For instance, while riding my bicycle in town, it is critical the motorist know I am coming up on his reality.

It works every time

YIP

YIP

……………..WAIT FOR THE EYES……………continue with caution.

this world is my world……this world is Your world……..so share the road dude….

peace out

Reviewing 2012

Transition emissions

Life is Transition! Moments of evolving, regressing, depressing, Reflecting/Easy Listening.

I have been preparing all my life for this moment.  2012 past year, transitions through and back to, my ever evolving LIFE around I go, to and fro. doe?…suck my toe

bop

splinter of creativity is festering

I ERASE/DELETE……..when I type, that is. no pun intended. Gathering up material to focus. not to forget where I have come from. I am judging myself. I feel the oozing of emotional break down.

Looking for connection through my relationship with the super natural.

what ever that means……to you

WISHING US MOMENTS OF CHANNELING GOD LOVE

on the rode

the way to somewhere

known

unknown

magical

esoteric

on the rode

taking care of business

missing out on routine

giving everything to the situation (as best I can)

finding dignity and consideration

Cooperation/Submission-submission to TRUTH

Le.t.go ….click

spend my life getting validation through means of sexuality.  Touch is sexual in nature.  On a scale, sexuality

  • how many decisions/actions, words, thoughts,…. were lined up/ creating a shared reality with another human?

 

I was set to blast out the front door, first thing this morning.  While engaged in our morning rituals/getting right with GOD, I felt a ‘energy shift’!  I am not clear as to how my history has brought me here (I am a product of my environment).   Within that environment I am a conscious participant, making choices/creating/destroying//////grieving/fighting/allowing/understanding/

My emotions like a revolving door

Each of us has a history (a story), an environment which has influenced our beliefs.  Within Me is a little girl.  Validated in inappropriate manners.  (A child needs/HUMANS NEED touch to survive.  Touch is sexual in nature. )

My mix up//////between you and I….and everyone else listening, this is a time to understand something about ourselves.

Our experiment with abstinence has shown me something.  NOT ON IT’S OWN, I suspect!!!

If it wasn’t for my environment, (past and present/day and night) this alignment would not be my reality…..AND i do Love my Life today!!  I am

Why did I outwardly try to fight in my adolescence?

in fact, I am knowing this much…..

The resentment I hold against my father is one we almost all hold against our parents.

Deepest Resentment, I see thus far:

  • The lack of positive feelings between my father and I.  Most of our relationship is distracted from the deeper truths.  Religion, Love, Self-worth, Validation; to name a few relevant connections/understandings.  The use of drugs and alchool, Infidelity, Dishonest, Abusive.

Taking time to acknowledge our children is critical for our future.  My future ?

Depends on my feelings about my past.