Her Motives…

I have returned to a life once known by she
entering into another being
experiencing some other reality

a sort of romance

I admired her for all she achieved. She grew up nurtured by hostility and bitter disappointments, learning to appreciate the sublime beauty of chaos.To overcome such severe colors and build a life that defied all negative equations was a miracle I was fortunate to marvel over. Her experiences overshadowed the generous choral nature that life offers with a suspicious haze and a shade of guilt. Everyone had an ulterior motive.

When a former boss invited her spend the day with her family at the beach she fretted over why anyone would include her in their company. She wondered if she’d done something wrong or if the motives behind her invite spelled some nefarious outcome. She simply couldn’t resign to the concrete result of her embodiment in other’s lives…that the people she’d formed relationships with truly admired and adored her.

Then there was me. The essence of love I held for her became some abstracted orientation…

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Saturday ‘Squezze Me’

Looking for activities which connect me with my true nature.

Health and Happiness result from being in harmony with our own nature, and doing the work for which we are individually suited.

Dr. Bach’s Philosophy

Scleranthus is an insecurity flower,

communicating to me

Hopefully I see….BUT if not

the compensation flower use, is key.

To Me,

this place would be

reliable;

in calming my mind.

Soothing my anxiety.

Fulfilled?……

Satisfied?…..

with what the moment IS ‘presently’

War wages down, all round.

Consciencely, looking to keep my relationships sound.

“Wishing us a prosperous day”

Many times I will say, “May you be prosperous in your day…..”

Keep on doing it…..

lets BE

doers’

‘shakers’

(pause)…………

……………………..

……….AND MOVERS

My three page free verse is half full.

Sending myself to school.

Rebecca once shared, “Write your way to happiness.”

Embrace despair,

grow out my hair!?

Another encouraging voice,

a whispering choice.

(speaks possibility), “Everything imagined is Your perfect imagined reality”

“Everything written plants a seed of prosperity”

I will chant my way to prosperity.

I open my mind to possibility.

Hold on to Joy

Be OK with Me

Turn away from tragedy,

BE FREE

BE FREE ; Creatively;

healthy sexuality;

abandon negativity; Do Not Toy with Me !

I am nearly there

Rushing through my anxiety;

using

‘lemon balm tea’,

apple cider vinegar ‘tottie’

with a bit of ‘honey’

PeAcE

 

PIMP me through the portal…..I will bring U bread and water

We did this together.  My sweet heart of past,

there is pain and darkness, there is work that can be done which gets me out of evil.  It is the writing.  Here I am!! Raw Sleep deprived, nutritionally deprived, Feeling better than before. Making a path through the darkness.  Finding out secrets I already knew.  New because they are mine.  these secrets are mine

Starting a fresh

Open flood gates

Leaving the weak hearted weeping for the unknown to transform

(to know)

How this started is more than what I currently understand.  Or, how this ordeal wins , as I write, changing me, (transforming/awakening) .  Make no mistake, the Universe has provided me with, yet another season of sprouts, marigolds and much more,,,,and it’s not even summer.  Technicolor !!!

A flood of healing which amounts to a revelation already known character treats. 

PIMP : A pimp can never be trusted.  iN this case, ONLY IF YOU ARE A MAN

I see once again, I do not owe him anything.  He informed me of that when I called in tears, just know, expressing my gratitude for his enduring me during my years of ‘using’.  Nearly six years have passed with no attempt to contact. For obvious reason.  One being, Pog is 25 years on me.  If I had of stayed longer than I did, (We played house for 5 years) I would not be enjoying my life with justice for ALL!!  ANYWAY

Mostly, if Pog hears from ME….there is something wrong.  And to my understanding there IS.  

My bro is likely in prisoned for life.  My father and I are…..well, we are ???? Peacefull….yes peacefull.  The emptiness I feel with my bro and father have been brewing since the begging.

I don,t know…..ask, Carl Young.

Pog is a man.  A man with many talents.  Our talk lasted 20-25 minutes.  All the while Chad, was with me .  With me all the way.  From the moment I got the message from mutual friend that Pog suffered multiple strokes, total rehabilitation of speech, holding bowls.  This guy is Pog, my sweetheart before Chad.

I am who I am because of my choices/ and I am proud to be living a sober life today.  Thank you GOD

With his tone he slithered his tail up my skirt.  No luck that I was wearing hosiery.  He found his way between my legs with heat of a diamond back basking on a hot summer day.  I natural looking to Chad, for he has been with me (No secrets), he felt the energy turn from Fatherly Role to: PIMP!!

Pod asked me if I was FAT!!

Wouldn’t he like to know…..HA.  The type of girl I am, I would like to tell him all about it.  This character, whom I call ‘Roxy’, is saved by her Knight in Glorified Union w/ my Newly Realized Blessed Life . AMEN

THE PUZZLE

The ordeal to overcome has a unique key which yields to an open heart, till then, floods rush

emotions expelled like unwanted water in a drown victim

Look in the depth, where the hiden eyes revealing itself in the abstract clues of the universe

 

 

 

 

 

Le.t.go ….click

spend my life getting validation through means of sexuality.  Touch is sexual in nature.  On a scale, sexuality

  • how many decisions/actions, words, thoughts,…. were lined up/ creating a shared reality with another human?

 

I was set to blast out the front door, first thing this morning.  While engaged in our morning rituals/getting right with GOD, I felt a ‘energy shift’!  I am not clear as to how my history has brought me here (I am a product of my environment).   Within that environment I am a conscious participant, making choices/creating/destroying//////grieving/fighting/allowing/understanding/

My emotions like a revolving door

Each of us has a history (a story), an environment which has influenced our beliefs.  Within Me is a little girl.  Validated in inappropriate manners.  (A child needs/HUMANS NEED touch to survive.  Touch is sexual in nature. )

My mix up//////between you and I….and everyone else listening, this is a time to understand something about ourselves.

Our experiment with abstinence has shown me something.  NOT ON IT’S OWN, I suspect!!!

If it wasn’t for my environment, (past and present/day and night) this alignment would not be my reality…..AND i do Love my Life today!!  I am

Why did I outwardly try to fight in my adolescence?

in fact, I am knowing this much…..

The resentment I hold against my father is one we almost all hold against our parents.

Deepest Resentment, I see thus far:

  • The lack of positive feelings between my father and I.  Most of our relationship is distracted from the deeper truths.  Religion, Love, Self-worth, Validation; to name a few relevant connections/understandings.  The use of drugs and alchool, Infidelity, Dishonest, Abusive.

Taking time to acknowledge our children is critical for our future.  My future ?

Depends on my feelings about my past.

 

Sunday Confessions

My Babe is ‘scoring points’ !!

My Babe is using her words well

coming out of her shell.

My Babe is crossing her t’s and dotting her eye’s

shedding the masks to stay ‘ALIVE’,

BLASTING OFF/ SPINNING OUT

Adolescent till thirty

still painting her nails when there dirty

My Babe is ‘scoring points’

going with the current

discovering purpose

allowing, responding

NOT REACTING !!

Neurotransmitters firing.  Chamomile Soothing

Before the Industrial Revolution, 9 OUT OF 10 people worked from home.  I often see us putting others in a box.  This box doesn’t have a revolving door gang.  A place to explore and discover the world and how we might fit into making it a better place.

Where the needs of society and my interests intersect, there lies my career.  ARISTOTLE ….almost Quote

I want to create a life for myself, one which allows me to earn a living through creative outlets.  Creativity is no longer publicly encouraged.  The material is more expensive than the finished product in the department store.  How is that possible?  What is the fair price?

This makes it harder for a home business to stay afloat.  More and More we turn to Cooperate Institutions for survival.  This is hardly liberating.  Liberation is a Re-public allusion.  Eye understand we are a Republic.  I also understand, the way I vote in the grocery store (by the foods I buy) possibly has more of an impact on my immediate reality.

I am not registered to vote.  Never have been, Right!  I, UNTIL RECENTLY, have not been concerned or remotely interested in politics.  At 31, I am becoming more informed and involved.

Neurotransmitters Firing, Chamomile Soothing, Past Educating, Moment Evolving