The realization that I was the master creator was too much truth . From birth my parents where communicating to me, my confidence in myself-my power (fire inside) was not enough-not ???not to respect the power (fire inside, related to our kitchen) from within (the desire to receive validation for my emotions was born)I was not ready to mature into an adult, taking notes and conducting research. I didn’t know the first thing about how I would learn to love myself. I was absolutely knowing I could no longer live like this (Running was no longer what I was going to align with and I was sure to die if I couldn’t escape my mind.)
Imagery lends a moment of recalled history.
My husband and I took to the road. !800 miles of complete submission to one purpose. ‘Working through the awkward moments without walking away from one another. I mean, how many steps before you are really gone (left the building, indisposed)? The kind of gal I am, I would be thinking it (plotting and planning my EXIT). I would be gone before I even got there. The likely hood of me being the first woman to break his heart is Highly Unlikely! My father was the first to break my heart! And……I am beginning to seriously consider if the relationship with my husband has any connection to the lack of emotional attachment my father exhibits. Could his lack of interest in me be the reason why I insist on excessive validation from my husband? (I am the Master Creator of my Reality. I have the power to destroy and/or create……I am Creating while destroying-creating space for a fresh perspective. I am Destroying while Creating-destroying the box in which I have found myself in (lack of perspective and understanding).
I am under the impression there are some things we don’t talk about with strangers. I would be correct in assuming you can keep this a secret?! I have walked out on my husband emotionally. Spit on, threatened, demoralized, cursed. I am a terrible addict. I am enjoying the spare change I found at the bottom of my ashtray.
I enjoyed my first puff of tobacco today. I mean, the last bit of crumbs at the bottom of the pouch rolled up into the finest tasting tobacco I had ever experienced. (After an extended fast the monk consumed some rice. In by doing so he discovered TRUTH.) I discovered TRUTH-truth is, no puff will ever be as good as my first Puff……Severn years of my life I chased after my first Meth High, never achieving the desired results.
I am attracting that which is like unto myself, what ever that means!